Sometimes, only another woman with limb loss can get what I’m going through.
by Angie Heuser
“Do any of you ever feel like your spouse is embarrassed to walk through a store with you when you’re using a scooter, or is that just me?”
“I’m more worried that my spouse is freaked out by my body and not physically interested in me anymore.”
“My partner’s still interested, but I struggle to enjoy sex because I just don’t feel beautiful.”
“I hear that. I hate how I look in my clothes.”
“Me, too. I cried when I donated all of my heels, but I can’t wear them anymore because my foot doesn’t move.”
Our discussions are all over the board. Every Wednesday we come together on Zoom as amputee sisters, ranging in age from 20something to 70something. Our chats bring laughter, tears, and the reassuring sense of being heard.
As women we deal with so many changes throughout our lives, including our hormones, our weight, and our self-worth. The amputees in my weekly chat group, Amputee Ladies’ Chat, come together to find solace, to know we aren’t alone, and to help others who are going through struggles very similar to our own. That helps us comprehend what we’re experiencing and deal with it.
For most of the journey, limb loss is identical for men and women. We all go through healing, physical therapy, adaptation to new routines and new identities, and other changes. If we’re prosthesis users, there’s the ongoing cycle of fitting, atrophy, new fitting, more limb changes, more fitting. However, women have issues and life transitions that our male counterparts don’t face.
It starts with body image. We have been raised in a culture that values beautiful women. We see their images on every magazine cover, in every TV commercial, and now all over social media. We see women with toned bodies, attractive figures, and gorgeous skin. Those standards feel unattainable for most women, even those who have all of their limbs. Once you’ve had an amputation, it feels impossible to reach the ideal of a complete and beautiful woman. Most of us struggle with weight after limb loss. We’re often in pain, which makes it difficult to feel beautiful. We can’t even make ourselves look good on the outside when we hate what we feel like on the inside, because it’s hard to find gorgeous clothes that fit our bodies.
Our emotions, which create such special bonds with our spouses and kids, often betray us after limb loss. We get weary with chronic pain, impatient with our limitations, frustrated that this wound never fully heals with time, and angry over the constant disruptions in our day-to-day lives. Those feelings can cause friction with loved ones, but it’s safe to air them in our Wednesday night Zoom meetings. We have such natural, uninhibited conversations. We open up on topics that need to stay hidden in most situations. We nervously raise delicate subjects, only to find relief that we aren’t the only one to have that question.
“How do you all sit on the toilet without loosening your leg or peeing on yourself?”
“I gained five pounds during my cycle last month and couldn’t fit into my prosthesis anymore.”
“That happens to me too. And then I lose all the weight a week later, and it still doesn’t fit.”
“My spouse doesn’t understand that I’m doing my best, but I have moments when I just can’t function.”
“Right? And I can’t talk to my girlfriends about it, because they just don’t understand what it’s like to lose a limb. I feel so alone.”
That’s how I felt, too, after my elective amputation in 2018 to end years of unsuccessful limb-salvage surgeries. I sought connection online by starting a blog and a podcast, Be-YOU-tiful Adaptive Warrior, and that has been very rewarding. But I still wanted a space where women could safely discuss personal topics, without worrying how it might sound or be misunderstood or get taken out of context. Women often fear that we’re letting others down. We smile through our pain so we won’t be perceived as needy or weak. I needed a place where I could speak honestly without feeling judged, a place where I could be heard and understood.
When I started this group in 2023, I discovered how much I had in common with other women who’ve experienced limb loss. We all tend to put too much on our own shoulders, and we struggle to ask for help no matter how badly we’re hurting. Some of us have spouses who work outside the home and also hold the family together while we heal. Others of us are stressed about getting back to our own jobs, which are needed to maintain insurance and pay all the bills. And nearly all of us feel responsible for doing most of the housework, managing the kids’ schedules, and getting the household back to the well-oiled machine it was prior to our amputation.
I have been with my husband since I was 17 years old. He’s seen me go through everything. But even so, I was worried about how amputation would affect our marriage. Some research suggests that the divorce rate increases among couples where one partner experiences limb loss. That’s no surprise, when you account for the increased stress, communication difficulties, shifting of roles and responsibilities, and sheer emotional impact amputation has on everyone.
These are some of the issues that come up on our weekly Wednesday chats. We’re creating a space to talk about our challenges, untangle the knots in our relationships, and let down our guard with women who understand and support us. We give each other (and ourselves) permission to be vulnerable, to express the fears and pain that we hide from our families. The other people in our lives count on us to be strong and resilient, and we don’t want to burden them with our struggles. When we come together each Wednesday, we can let it all out.
In a world where women often compete against each other and push each other down, we lift each other up; consoling, listening, relating, hiding nothing. We cry with each other when our relationships break apart and leave us feeling empty and alone. We laugh and find humor in the silliness of prosthesis mishaps and curious grandkids. And we celebrate when someone reaches a milestone, resolves an ongoing problem, or gets outside their comfort zone and does something they didn’t think they were capable of. All of us are at different stages of the game; some of the women are just weeks out from amputation, while others have years of experience with limb loss. Everyone has something different to offer, so as a group, we bring tremendous knowledge and wisdom. We leave each session feeling more complete, stronger, and happier for our time together.
I created Amputee Ladies’ Chat because I recognized the need for a community like this. I saw it as I perused social media—the cries of women feeling lost, alone, rejected, and fearful after limb loss. But as much as I thought this community would benefit others, I’ve learned that I needed it as well. As I enter my sixth year of being an amputee, I’m more grateful than ever for the sense of connection this group provides. Sharing our struggles, celebrating our triumphs, venting our sorrows, lifting each other up, laughing and crying—it all brings me a sense of joy and peace.
We welcome lovely ladies from all walks of life, all over the nation, and even beyond the United States. It’s eye-opening to hear how challenges related to weather, insurance, and other circumstances play out in other countries. If you need a safe place to help you navigate the twists and turns of amputee life, I hope you’ll consider joining us. We have grown so quickly in numbers that I’ve created a second time slot on Wednesdays so more women can participate. The idea is to keep the groups at a manageable size, where everyone is present, invested, and able to feel truly heard.
Come as you are, and participate however you’re comfortable. Jump right into the discussions, or just sit back and listen until you’re ready to share. The only requirement is that you drop everything for that hour-plus time frame and give your full attention to the group. The conversation continues throughout the week in a private group chat (you’ll automatically be invited once you join a Wednesday chat).
You can join us on Zoom every Wednesday at either 4 pm or 8 pm Eastern Time. There’s no cost; just log in with your free Zoom account. You can find links to Amputee Ladies’ Chat on my liinks.co page (scroll down).
Angie Heuser has been an above-knee amputee since 2018. She features amputee advice, interviews, news, and personal reflections through her blog and podcast at bawarrior360.com.
