By tradition, limericks tend toward the bawdy, vulgar, and obscene. Because Amplitude is a family magazine, we’ve dispensed with that practice and composed a few holiday stanzas about limb difference that offer some wit (we hope) without giving offense. Only the next-to-last one could be construed as even mildly off-color, so if you have extremely delicate sensibilities, we invite you to skip over that particular poem.
That said, even a clean limerick is transgressive. What could be more wicked than idling away the hours writing (or reading) coarse rhymes—in the middle of the work week, no less? Talk about stickin’ it to The Man. . . . .these refrains may be SFW, but they’re still acts of wild rebellion.
BTW, our final limerick on this page is missing the final line. If you think of a savage punchline for it, email it to editor@livingwithamplitude.com. We’ll share the best ones on our social media channels. Jan. 2 update: Scroll down to read the best submissions.
SANTA’S PROSTHESIS
When Santa needs a new prosthesis,
His elves manufacture the pieces.
They install great joint flexion
At St. Nick’s direction
For Christmas Eve’s tight chimney squeezes.
Ha ha ha, see what we did there? Slightly off-center rhymes (“prosthesis” and “squeezes“) heighten the wordplay in limerick construction, introducing a note of surprise to keep readers guessing. We’ll pause while the peals of laughter die down . . . . ok, ready? Here’s the next one:
MY AMBITION
I’ve resolved that my New Year’s ambition
Is to work with my limb care clinician
To conquer Blue Shield
And prevail on appeal
To complete my C-Leg acquisition.
In an earlier, cruder draft of this verse, we had lines three and four as: “To harangue and harass / As we kick Blue Shield’s a**.” But, as we said—family publication, not gonna go there. Here comes another:
HOPING TO LAND
The gift I’m most hoping to land
Is a specialized bionic hand
With about fifty grips,
Sensitive fingertips,
And high style for my personal brand.
If we’re honest, that is not the funniest limerick that’s ever been written. The humor content is woefully lacking. But it’s a decent premise, so we took another shot at it and came up with a sharper punch line that—trigger warning—alludes to a very bad curse word. It goes like this:
THE GIFT I MOST WANT
The gift I most want from my Ma
Is a specialized bionic paw
With about fifty grips,
And high-tech fingertips,
So I can flip off my brother-in-law.
Much better, we think. Although, we hasten to add, we love our brother-in-law. A more honest, decent fellow we’ve never met.
We leave you with the following limerick that lacks a final line. Send your finishers to editor@livingwithamplitude.com. And may you all have a very merry, joyous holiday season.
UNCLE EBENEZER
My grouchy old Unc Ebenezer
Keeps old socket socks in his freezer
His deceased partner, Marley
Told him, “Dude, that’s so gnarly” . . . .
[your zinger here]
JANUARY 2 UPDATE: READER-SUBMITTED LAST LINES
Perhaps not surprisingly, the preponderance of our responses came from the UK, where limericks were born and where they remain popular. Several of them are decidedly raunchy; we’ll leave those to the end of the list, so keep scrolling if gross-out humor’s your thing. Here’s an inoffensive one from Jim Clark to get us started:
- “You’re just a dirty old freezer geezer!”
A solid effort, and true to Scrooge’s character. Doug Harris also invokes Scrooge’s moral poverty in this last line:
- But there’s worse; this bit’s only a teaser!
Worse, indeed; there’s seemingly no bottom to Mr. Scrooge’s wickedness. Bob Turvey leans in to the redemptive spirit of A Christmas Carol with this pious completer:
- “If you wear them, pray to St. Theresa.”
Love the playfulness with the rhyme scheme. Turvey took the same tack with this suggestion—
- “Buy some new ones. You can pay by Visa.”
—and Harris used “visa” in an administrative, rather than commercial, context:
- The Feds are still tracking his visa. . . . .
Paul O. goes next-level with the artificial body parts theme:
- When he blew of his prosthetic nose with a sneezer.
Another offering from Harris portrays Scrooge as more proud than repentant re his unorthodox sock storage:
- “I am such,” said old Eb, “a crowd-pleaser.”